1991_04 The Daily Collegian April 1991

              \TjPi?}. i.Q.T$ The c^fm •AprU l>1991 *
Buddy, can you
tree?
spare a
By Arietta Faye Henry
X ou just have to laugh.
When it is only a minor
disaster, too insignificant in
the overall scheme of life to
cry over, then you just have
to laugh.
Last weekend I re¬
turned from a three-
day conference in
Sacramento, hoping
there had been a few
sunny days in Fresno
and that Buddy*, one
of the people who
rents a room in my
house, had mowed the la wn.
Buddy had said he liked to
work in the yard, and so I
had a reason to be hopeful.
When I pulled into the
driveway 1 noticed a pile of
branches and leaves, dis¬
membered green things from
the yard all in a heap.
I hoped it wasn't the crepe
mvrtle. The crepe myrtle was
one of the few trees in our
yard 1 actually liked.
We also have a palm
tree, a yucca plant, a
pine, a cedar, two
boxclders with their
attendant bugs, two
bottle-brush trees, a
rosebush, fivedwarf
pomegranite trees, a
creeping vine
around the mailbox
and at least four other tri ving
bushes... and that is just in
our front yard.
But it was the crepe
myrtle—and a pomegranite
tree, part of the yucca and
another bush.
1 tried to maintain a sense
of objectivity. Perhaps there
wasa logical explanation for
the wan ton raping of
my yard.   Maybe
there had been a
wind that broke the
trees  during   the
storm. Or perhaps
my sister, who co-
owns   the   house,
came for a visit or
authorized the cut¬
ting by phone.
So I called my sister and
checked. She knew nothing
about the hacked-off limbs
by the driveway.
Idon't know why I thought
the crepe myrtle was lost be¬
cause it was in the way of the
mower. That wasn't a sen¬
sible reason at all. It was
never in the way when we
cut the lawn last year.
But when Stef and Laurie,
my otherrenters, told me that
Buddy explained to them that
he cut out the pomegranite
because it stuck him when he
got out of his truck in our
two-car driveway, the knot¬
ting in my stomach tight¬
ened.
I waited until daylight to
talkwith Buddy. I figured he
was innocent unless proved
otherwise. I tried to put it in
perspective. I mean, we had
a heavy freeze in December
that probably did
major damage to the
plants; we just came
through four dry
years a nd experts are
urging people to
reduce their land¬
scaping; and nothing
I could do or say
would bring those
plants back tolife. It was just
a matter of principle.
I was putting out the trash
when Buddy backed his
truck into the driveway the
next afternoon, driver's side
by the bushes. "Buddy, we
have to talk," I said, trying to
sound reasonable. "What
happened?"
"Well, it's like this," he
said. "I started to mow the
lawn Saturday and
that tree was in my
way . . . that was
going to be my jump¬
ing off point to mow
the lawn."
He didn't let me
put a word in edge¬
wise. He had made
up his mind that he
was justified in eve¬
rything he had done. It re¬
ally needed to happen, he
said, because he was embar¬
rassed for his friends to see
the house the way it had
been.
And so I've been laughing.
Not "good-like-a-medicine"
belly laughs but "if-I-don't-
laugh-ni-go-craz/' nervous
laughter. And I hired
a gardner. I can't
reallyaffordhim,but
after all Buddy's
exercise with the
neighbor's   chain
saw, he couldn't start
the mower to cut the
^L        lawn.
^0 Like rape, this was
a matter of demon-
strating physical power—no
permission was asked; no re¬
morse was expressed; and
the scene ended witha threat
that it might happen again.
And instead of laughing,
every part of me wants to
scream, "You've got no right.
Buddy!"
'Name was changed be¬
cause the author still needs
the rental income.
Ms. Henry is a reentry student
at CSUF.
Broken spring break dreams
•Road trip realities do not live up to commercial dreams
By Darrin Jones
I-ivervone knows the per¬
fect way to spend springbreak.
It's a tried and true formula
ihat'sbeen around since some¬
one decided to put beer in alu¬
minum cans. Booze, buddies,
babes and of course the "R"
word.
For the unknowing, that
would be a Roadtrip of mon-
sterous proportions. Not just a
trip or a vacation, but a
ROADtrip.
If you've seen MTV in the
last week or two, you know the
kind.Theshow will bea Spring
Break Special, set in sunny
Florida on a beach. Thousands
of gorgeously tanned people
are shown in bathing suits
dancing to the sound of a live
band holding Budweiser or
Coors Light cups. The weather
is warm, the beer is cold, the
bajid isa wesome<and so is the
blonde in the bikini), and ev¬
eryone is having one hell of a
time.
The theory goes that all col¬
lege students from eastern
schools flock to Florida (via car)
to have outrageous parties that
would make the Romans jeal¬
ous.
But thafs not a Roadtrip.
Tha t is a bastardized version of
real life, like most advertising
and television programming.
Ifs the unattainable; it looks
great and ifs what we want,
but what we get is something
much different.
I know this for a fact. See, 1
decided toexperiencea Spring
Break, like those shown on tele¬
vision or in the movies. And to
do that, I had to take a Roadtrip.
This is my final semester,
and I decided some time ago
that the only way to top off my
college career was to have a
Spring Break. The previous
four breaks were spent either
working or lying on the couch
for a week, watching reruns of
"Family Ties".
But this year would be dif¬
ferent. Two friends and I de¬
cided to celebrate Spring Break
by going to Lake Tahoe, Ne¬
vada. For the travelling im¬
paired, Nevada is the first state
east of California, and is not to
be confused with Arizona,
which does not have legalized
gambling or snow.
A Roadtrip must consist of
a four hour car trip. Also, the
destination has to be some
place trtatisexoticand unusual.
Remember, if you drive to
Barstow, thafs not a Roadtrip,
thafs just boring.
The drive to Lake Tahoe
from Fresno is usually about
six hours. Unfortunately for us,
the drive took almost 12 hours.
Someone in charge of Caltrans
decided that 2 a.m. on a Sun¬
day morning is a great time to
make the road to Lake Tahoe
safe from avalanches. So, we
were stuck in our vehicle for
five hours waiting for the road
to open up. I envisioned us as
icecubes stuck to the bottom of
the freezer.
Normally, avalanches aren't
on people's mind towards the
end of March. But by some
freak of na hire, California's five
year drought was cured in a
span of 48 hours, which just
happened to coincide with
SpringBreak. My Spring Break!
Don't get me wrong, snow is
great if you ski. However, if
the weather is like a blizzard,
forget it. You would have more
luck trying to get milk from a
porcupine.
And I didn't mention the
anything about the drive prior
to the avalanche stop. The
funny thingabout travelling in
the snow is that it recruires the
use of snow chains, which is
God's way of telling you that
you should be at home where
it's warm, sipping something
hot and/or alchoholic. I hate
snow chains now, because not
only do they cause frostbite as
you try in vain to put them on,
they also hamper the speed at
which you can travel. We found
out the hard way what can
happen when you go too fast
with chains that aren't put on
right — they break.
And so there we were. On
the low road to Tahoe, 1 a.m.,
in a snow storm, wi th a busted
snow chain that just did $200
worth of damage to my friend's
truck. We tried to fix the bro¬
ken link, but since the three of
us had the collective mechani¬
cal ability of Pee Wee Herman,
we failed.
Several cars passed by as we
stood by the truck, shaking our
headsand cursing. What in the
hell were they doingoutatthat
rime of night and in these con¬
ditions? Better yet, what were
we doing?
Finally, someone stopped to
help us out. Wouldn't you
know it, he was from Fresno
State, once again proving that
good old FSU is the best damn
place in the world (especially if
you're broke down in a bliz¬
zard).
After we finally got going
again, we ran right into the
Caltrans controlled avalanche.
Three hours and a twelve pack
later, we drug ourselves into
Lake Tahoe at the un-godly
hour of 530 a.m.
The moral to this story? I
haven't found one yet, but I
think I should have taken a
couple more shop classes in
high school, because then 1
might have been able to fix trae
busted chain. Anyway, we ha d
a good time, despite finding
out that our luck wasn't aruy
better at the blackjack tables.
The kindest word I've eve
heard was uttered in my frc
zen hell, otherwise known a
Harvey's.
"Cocktails?"
Mr. Jones is a featured colum
ntst/or The Collegian.